How do you actually know when life's taking a good turn? How can you tell if it's gonna get worse? I've had my ups and downs, but the downs are more frequent than the ups it's making me feel really upset. Life's been good- no, life's been great recently. Ever since I met Gina and Christine all is good, they're really nice and I feel really comfortable with them. But sometimes out of nowhere life slaps me in the face and pushes me around and just beats me to the ground, and I never know what to do no more. I don't know who to turn to, or what to say. And I feel like crap, I hate how I can never do anything to help the people I love, be it my friends or my family. Worse still, I don't even know how to help myself no more.

Do I feel like a piece of trash because I think that way? I think so.. I've been thinking of myself as a useless person, one who doesn't deserve the friends she has, one who will never deserve anything. I will never be good enough, not the worst, but not good enough. The criticisms I've received since the very start of schooling years (primary school?), from teachers, schoolmates and family alike, has turned me into a person who can never appreciate herself, a person with low self esteem. Sometimes I just want to stop caring for people but I can't. I would feel guilty. Even though it had nothing to do with me, because knowing that I could have maybe sorta, helped? I don't know. How can I help someone else when I need help myself?